Indiana Jones: The Flop of Four and the Fear of Five

Know what’s worse than making a bad movie? Making a bad movie as a sequel to three really great movies. Talk about killing the vibe. Have you ever seen the Seinfeld episode where George practices “going out on a high note”? He tries to top the conversation with a great zinger and then leave before he ruins the laughter with a lame follow-up joke. If you haven’t seen that episode, then you’re in good company—apparently Lucas and Spielberg missed it, too. 

Granted, that assertion is much more blunt than my norm, but I have a feeling you know what I mean. If you loved the original Indiana Jones trilogy, then you probably didn’t feel the same way about The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. So what is it about the most recent film that made it so disappointing? Were there any redeeming qualities? And what about the upcoming Indiana Jones 5? Let’s look at the good, the bad, and the future. 

THE GOOD

Nostalgia

In any disappointment, there is bound to be some sort of bright side. For Crystal Skull, that includes some of the nostalgia and some of the new stuff. The film starts out in the Nevada desert where Indy is taken to Hangar 51 to locate a special box. On the way out of the hangar, however, we catch a glimpse of the Ark of the Covenant in its broken crate—a throwback to Raiders of the Lost Ark. Ah, for the good ol’ days of the first film. 

Later on, when Dr. Jones is teaching at Marshall College, a large painting of Marcus Brody is visible in the hallway, not to mention the statue of Brody on the college lawn. Indy’s desk at home also displays a treasured artifact—a picture of Henry Jones, Sr. Even the leading lady is nostalgic: Marion is dragged back into the fray, but this time she has a much happier ending. The only one missing is Sallah, who declined to make a token appearance at the wedding. More’s the pity; I like that guy. 

New Stuff

It can be tricky to nail nostalgic aspects without straying into sheer sentimentality; that’s why it’s sometimes better to start from scratch to create what will later become memorable. For me, the scene of Indy stumbling onto a nuclear test site was one of these. It felt like a chapter out of a Ray Bradbury novel with all the mannequins poised and ready to melt. Indy’s last-second survival technique of crawling into the lead-lined fridge was classic seat-of-the-pants Jones. While many people hated this scene, I am not among them. I thought it was creative.

Another new aspect was seeing Russia, not Germany, as the enemy nation. The Nazis had a good run in the earlier films, but it was time for a new punching bag. The most gratifying moment of the film, however, was when it seemed like Mutt Williams was going to don the brown fedora at the end of the film, but it was snatched from his (supremely undeserving) hands by the ol’ man himself. That, at least, was a mercy. I don’t think I could have survived seeing that iconic cap on the head of Shia LaBeouf. 

THE BAD

Characters

Buckle up for a few paragraphs of negativity. As I mentioned earlier, this isn’t my normal M.O., but I’d like to share a few things that irked me. So, speaking of Shia, I just want to acknowledge how odd it is that they chose him to be Indiana Jones’ son. I mean, of all the 7.5 billion people on planet Earth, why him? Did they think he had the moxie to be the new man in brown? With the combination of his greaser persona on screen and his bizarre life off screen, it was a little too much for me to swallow. 

And I hate to say this, but I didn’t enjoy Cate Blanchett’s role either. I normally adore her (although I haven’t watched some of her edgier performances), but this didn’t seem like her finest hour. While I freely acknowledge that I have no accent-mimicking abilities whatsoever, I felt like her Russian pronunciation left much to be desired. They may have wanted the Dr. Elsa Schneider feeling—a bad boss lady who is actually in it for personal motives—but it didn’t ring true to me. I can’t put my finger on what bothered me most about Irina Spalko, but she was certainly no Galadriel. 

Humor

Now, I’m all for silly humor. Things like Monty Python’s Holy Grail and “The Ministry of Silly Walks” is right up my alley. But some of the humor in Crystal Skull aimed for my funny bone but whacked my face instead. It felt insulting, to be frank. The repetition of the groundhogs was a swing and a miss to me—they weren’t funny enough to justify their ubiquitous presence. 

I also felt like the vine-swinging session between Mutt and the monkeys was off. It could have been worse only if a Wookie had swung by and made the Tarzan noise…again. Granted, there were plenty of clever lines and funny situations, but they don’t stand out to me like these do.  

Plot

Overall, the quest for this film’s MacGuffin—the crystal skull of Akator—was a little far-fetched even for Indiana Jones. In previous films he had searched for two Christian relics and one Hindu stone, but in Crystal Skull Lucas strayed from ancient religions to New Age mysticism. While there are some mystics who may believe in the supernatural power of crystal skulls, it’s a pretty small niche. The object of the quest just didn’t feel relatable.

Also, the ending of the original films always included a supernatural display of power: a judgement of God or Shiva on the evil motives of the unworthy seekers. The fourth film attempted this as well, but it turned out pretty trippy. The supernatural appearance at the end of Crystal Skull was the reanimation, unification, and departure of a multi-consciousness, interdimensional being. The temple was a flying saucer in disguise, for crying out loud! It seemed a little too out there, even for Indy.  

THE FUTURE

Kathleen Kennedy (the president of the Disney-owned Lucasfilm company) recently verified the continued plans for a fifth installment of the Indy saga, which is set to launch in July of 2021.⁴ While it’s not a reboot (praise the Lord), it will feature poor Harrison Ford, who will be nearly 79 when it hits the big screen. They say he’s excited to be part of it, but I feel that must be hyperbole.

Is it possible that the movie will actually be good? Sure. Disney has all the resources in the world, so they could definitely make an entertaining movie. But will it feel like the original trilogy? Not a chance. You can’t tell the same joke twice and get the same reaction, and you can’t make a sequel and hope to cash in on the vibe of the original. No matter how good the fifth Indy film is, it won’t be as good as The Last Crusade and therefore goes against the “high note” principle. In short, Crystal Skull has scared the hope out of me.

IN CONCLUSION

Well, there you have it. I’ve never denied being a skeptic, but I do apologize for putting you through a whole post with so little sunshine. I’ll do my best to make up for it next time around. And, for the record, I still think Lucas and Spielberg are geniuses. Even a genius is entitled to make some bad choices now and then. Lucas, I forgive you. 

Also, if you missed what I loved about the original trilogy, check out the first and second posts here!

¹ Seinfeld Season 9, Episode 16, “The Burning”
² https://indianajones.fandom.com/wiki/Hangar_51
³ https://www.slashfilm.com/indiana-jones-5-update-wont-be-a-reboot/

Check out the next post here!